Monday, January 09, 2006

The Mid Year Bizzaro World NHL Awards


Gimme a Kiss Elisha Honey!
Bizzaro is the anti-Superman creation of Lex Luthor. In Bizzaro World nothing is as it should be. That which we would deem good is actually evil. Everything is opposite. Thus, I am proud to announce the first annual CasonBlog Bizzaro World Mid-Season NHL Awards...

Rocket Richard: Chris Dingman. From first round pick, to Stanley Cup champion grinder to waived enforcer. Zero goals and a minus 6 before being waived.

Art Ross: Krzysztof Oliwa. The kind of guy you think you might need on your club (Pittsburgh?), but you would prefer not to admit it. I think most of the clubs he played for kept him in an old school zoo enclosure (aka cage) until game time. Zero points hovering beyond the fringe of the big leagues. TSN says in their bio on Oliwa, "Loves to beat people up." Just what we want in a Bizzaro World scoring champ.

Vezina: Patrick Lalime. Only 3 wins in 18 games before he was waived. Gave up 66 goals for an admittedly bad Blues team. I give the Bizzaro World Vezina to Lalime because I think he was the first of the former first stringer goalies to be handed a bus ticket to the minors after they couldn't move him otherwise. Hello Peoria! I'm sure he was angry-very angry indeed.

Selke: Jeff O'Neill. Defense is heart and controlled aggression. I'm still bitter about how he handled himself in the last few years with the 'Canes. He doesn't play defense-barely moves from his backside slot on the PP. Ten of his thriteen goals have been on the power play. He's spent time in Pat Quinn's doghouse for lack of effort and has a -10 with 30 penalty minutes to show for all the glow he got after joining the hometown Leafs.

Lady Byng: Sean Avery. A whopping 136 penalty minutes, a league leading 2 game misconducts. His 6 majors put him in 5th place in the league. Nobody likes him. His mother screens his calls and Elisha Cuthbert is probably only dating him to piss off her parents.

Calder: Braydon Coburn. He was the #8 pick in 2003-Ahead of Dion Phaneuf! Couldn't stick with a lousy defensive team beyond the first 9 games of the season. Now intimidating smallish forwards in the AHL.

Hart/Norris: Vladimir Malakhov. Dude quit or retired (depending on whether you ask him or his agent) right after Larry Robinson bailed. Surrender is infectious. Just ask the French. He was -9 when he exited for the friendly confines of Sverdlovsk-the New Jersey of Russia. The only guy I've seen who has two injuries this season listed only as, "illness." Vlad has no "Hart," and is thus the Bizzaro World mvp and defensive player of the half season.

President's Trophy: No team has a more fitting name than the St. Louis Blues. Bad and getting no better. No Pronger. Lalime a bust. A fat and injury-riddled Tkachuk. Dougie Weight looking for the exit. Jamal Mayers with season tickets in the penalty box. Last in the league in points, and threatened only by Columbus. Don't count out those Blue Jackets yet. They have a proven ability to suck mightily when given the opportunity.

Adams: Eddie Olczyk. Gonchar stealing money. Crosby gets beat up every night. Mario hires an old buddy with no coaching experience and then makes him the fall guy. Ed is now the Chauncy Gardner of hockey. But Eddie didn't sign "character guys" like Gonchar, Malone and Palffy. Much smarter people than Ed are responsible for those strokes of brilliance.

OBTW-Not to boast, but that was my email yesterday on NHL Live guessing that Zig had on a Nordiques throwback. Heard the challenge in the car on my way to work (the clue about an element on his jersey that also appears on an NFL jersey made me think fleur de lis right away). Got Zig and Don to accord props to Lavvy and the boys and rip Milbury for letting Pete go, but got no prize for guessing correctly. Yeah, I know. I need to get a life...


Michael said...

This is awesome. A great idea on a tired old standby for a hockey column and cliche namedroppers.

Oh, and kudos for using the awesome Bizaro pic too.

CasonBlog said...

Thanks for the props Michael. Gave me a chance to bash Jeff O'Neill one more time and fire off some rants. Being predictable and all-sunshine-all-the-time gets boring. Like your take on Don Cherry coming to the aid of Syd.

Tom L said...

Props on a great job as well.

I don't know about you, but no matter what happens... bashing the Leafs just never seems to get old. Great stuff on the Pens, btw.