In a stunning move, the Carolina Hurricanes announced the signing of Jonas Blane as their new team captain. According to sources close to the team, major concern over recent directionless play forced this unprecedented and bold move. In a prepared statement, Hurricanes GM, Jim Rutherford said, "Bag skates no workie. Roddy's gone soft on me. We need to add some swagger and heavy weaponry if this team is going to repeat as Stanley Cup Champions."
Little is know about Blane, who will join the team in Atlanta for Friday night's game after he checks out of the Army's 303rd Logistical Studies Group. A military records search reveals that Blane serves as a clerk in "the unit."
Jonas, who prefers to be known by his military call sign, "Snake Doc," will arrive with no hockey experience, but with vast experience in kicking ass from Columbia to Kandahar. A vast Lexis/Nexis search reveals only one attributible quote to Snake Doc, who was heard to remark after popping a few caps into a Columbian Narco-Militiaman, "Yeah, I bet that hurt."
In other news: The entire Atlanta Thrashers NHL team went on the IR today. Injuries listed include upper body injury, lower body injury, and scared shitless.
BTW: Denis Haysbert who plays Snake Doc on The Unit is Clint Eastwood cool. Loved him as Pedro Cerrano in Major League. He was also good as the nasty Secret Service Agent in Eastwood's Absolute Power.