Monday, April 30, 2007

Results Not Typical?

MRE's Anybody?

Are you as sick as me of being bombarded with Nutrisytem ads at every TV commercial break? Don Shula may have lost 30 pounds, but weight looks like the least of his worries. He's now a skinnier version of death on a Ritz cracker. Fast forward to the fairer of the species Nutrisystem ads. I too love your smokin' hot body there girlie. You are indeed a 40 year-old cracker's trophy wife without equal, but even I am smart enough to know that bod didn't come from those pre-packaged minie meals. I'd bet the CasonBlog estate that Nutrisystem bought you and a flock of other contenders eight-hour sessions with Fabio the personal trainer in the hopes that for maybe a few of you, six-pack abs would replace those fat rolls that have been years in the making.

At least the Nutrisystem ex-jocks still have regular guy physiques. Sean Salisbury still looks like a middle-aged accountant...just less of one after Nutrisystem. If Sean has been spending his afternoons with Fabio, you still can't tell.

This morning it was a radio spot with Mike Golic. The friggin' ad starts with this three word disclaimer: "Results not typical." Golic goes on to rave in the ad about how he lost 50 lbs with Nutrisystem. If you hear the ad listen closely. He also drops the results not typical disclaimer into the middle of his rave about the product. I now think much less of "regular guy" Golic as well. What a shameless shill. Dan Marino must be the Tony Soprano of retired jock pyramid scheme marketing.

The secret to Nutrisystem is not this "Glycemic Advantage" hooey. It's slick marketing and pre-packaged airline food portions. I could lose 30 lbs without Nutrisystem, or Adkins or The South Beach Diet if I just ate a third of what I eat now and exercised every other day with a personal trainer kicking me in the arse.

I think I should become a food science entrepreneur. I'll start a new line of ready-to-heat meals to compete with Nutrisystem. I'll call it "The Bataan Death March System. I'll get washed up reality stars like Richard Hatch and William Hung, to trumpet what I'll call the "Eat 1/3 Less You Big Fat Pig Advantage." Yup, I'll be rolling in dough by swimsuit season next spring. Wonder how Brett Hull would look in a Speedo? I mean after six months on my system, of course. He's looking a bit rotund these days.

Rangers vs. Sabres

Only series I'm paying attention to. Jagr didn't make a kicking motion. He was trying to get some edge traction to avoid kissing the crossbar. I say the boys in Toronto didn't want to enrage the Buffalo Street so early into the Cup playoffs. What harm could be done? Disallow the goal, Rangers still have a 1-0 lead. No nads in NHL HQ. Buffalo should have had more in the tank by the time the game went to OT. All Briere and Roy did was float all afternoon.

Brian Engblom's Mullet

This is approaching "Joe Dirt" territory. He's got the sides shorn close and the rest fully frosted and mulletized. He's become a living parody of a Night Ranger video.

No comments: