Team: Montreal Canadians (history, heritage and my all-time favorite sweater).
Uniform Number: 8 (Cam Neely, Claude Larose and Robbie Ftorek of my beloved WHA Cincinnati Stingers, and of course that basic male need for symmetry).
Position: #2 Center
Nickname: Bunty (my Navy call sign) or some dopey variation on my last name ending in the eee sound like Casey...or maybe Moesha.
Linemates: Ryan Smyth and Brian Gionta - Guys with soft hands who will park it in front of the net and pay any price so goalies get screened from my weak wristers.
Rounding out the PP: The Danny Boys- Markov and Boyle.
Job: Going to the net with or without the puck on every rush.
Signature Move: A knuckleballing wrister that just finds a way to get deflected.
Strengths: Target fixation, the melon of a Rockem Sockem Robot and boyish good looks.
Weaknesses: Acid reflux disease and high cholesterol.
Equipment: That old Butch Goring Jofa helmet and my trusty Montreal composite stick.
Nemeses: Brendan Witt, Jarkko Ruutu, and Stinger that green bug mascot from Columbus. I hate bugs. Bugs out here have nasty poison barbs and bad attitudes. I'd go over the glass to squish that bug.
Scandal Involvement: Had to work for six months as a ho to the stars in Canada after going undrafted. Got caught by paparazzi late one night in a compromising situation with John Candy and Shania Twain.
Who I'd face in the Stanley Cup Finals: Detroit. They'd have a bunch of heartless floating Euros and melt away at the sight of our mighty North American onslaught.
What I'd do with the Stanley Cup after our victory: Use it to open doors at Hollywood parties, to get me a run on the talk show circuit, and to suck up every possible freebee and boondoggle.
Would the media love me or hate me? I would be invisible to most major sports media because I would be a hockey player. I'd also be invisible cause I'd be an American in Paris, errrr Quebec. But with close personal friends like Robert Goulet, Celine Dion, and those Barenaked Ladies guys, I'd get enough glow in Francophonia.
I tag Japers' Rink, SISU, End of the Bench and One Fan's Perspective